I like the presidential election.

Well, I actually kind of like the idea of the presidential election, at least the one they used to push when you were an impressionable second grader.

If it were just the process – the candidates, their ideas, the primaries, the candidates espousing their prospective policies, Election Day, the winner announced in the wee hours of the morning – it would be pretty spiffy.

Americans make their choice and dig in together to see what happens over the next four years – the ebb and flow of the nation’s economy, the threats, both military and domestic, the tone of the country, the inevitable rise of new ideas.

 And that would be great if that’s what happened.

But those things rarely come up in presidential elections anymore.

Instead, America 2016 is like sticking your head into a kindergarten class right before nap time.

Some of stupidest, most unbelievable cow dung has sprung up over the past five or six elections – crapola that has very little to do with governing the country and a lot more to do with pushing agendas.

Quick – I’m pro-gun, anti-choice and anti-ISIS – I am?

Or, I’m pro-climate change, pro-animal rights, anti-deploying more troops to the Middle East – I am?

Over recent years the line has been drawn in the sand. And while there used to be the occasional crossover, these days it’s become so predictable that Bausch & Lomb’s best binocs couldn’t find the damn thing.

Now, if you’re a Republican you love money, taxes and very large walls on the Mexican border.

Democrat? You like taxing the super rich, cleaning up the planet and allowing people to do and act and socialize with just about anybody they want.

What fun is that?

It’s getting so I can talk to somebody for about two minutes and know his or her political affiliation. 

Folks, that’s so un-American it’s scary.

I swear, some Republican candidate could emerge from the pack and declare he or she has discovered a cure for cancer. And the Democrat would be against it, just because it was a Republican idea.

The two parties are so fractured they’re playing the game of Antonyms.

Is it that absolute?

Do only two types of beliefs actually exist?

If I believe in climate change does that mean I can’t agree with building a wall on the Mexican border?

If I’m pro-gun does that mean I have to be pro-Trump?

Are there really only two kinds of beliefs in the world?

If you listen to the news channels on television, you may believe that’s true.

Quick, what’s the Republican channel? FOX News, of course.

CNBC? That’s them damn pansy liberals.

CNN? Trying to be somewhere in the middle, but failing miserably most of the time, according to the respective host of whatever special program they’re airing.

Christ, do I have to hate Donald Trump just because I’m left of center?

Do I have to despise Hillary just because I’m a resident of Mississippi?

Wow, the country sure went and got itself predictably boring over the years, hasn’t it?

You mean I can’t be pro-choice and carry a gun?

Let’s see if I can remember this from my days as a pimply-faced kid in sixth grade: America is the greatest country in the world because people are free to believe what they want to believe.

They are free to be against war, against peace or against the flag, if they so desire.

They are free to be pro-cop, anti-cop or to spit on the flag.

They are free to be anti-peace rallies or pro-bombing the bejezus out of Lisbon.

They can listen to whatever they want, have or not have kids if they want and lie down to whatever warm body they desire.

That’s the America I was taught about when I was a kid, and the America that should still exist.

Unfortunately, I’m either getting pro-Trump hogwash or pro-Hillary gobbeldegook.

Monty, can I please take Door Number Three?