Friday, February 15, 2013

Making the Grade - Retroactively

In a society where money is placed above all else, considered even more vital than getting laid, you just knew this was a foregone inevitability.

And it’s about time.

Some angel named Megan Thode, a University of Pennsylvania graduate student, is suing Lehigh University and a professor of that same institution, for a grade she believes was unfairly given to her, a grade she says prevented her from becoming a licensed therapist, with its accompanying mega-salary.

Thode claims that grade, a C-plus, prevented her from filling the educational requirement necessary to advance to the next academic stage toward becoming a therapist.

Thode, or should we just call her Sue, says this unfair grade has cost her $1.3 million, and she wants some satisfaction.

Now, as you would expect, Sue is claiming all sorts of prejudice was heaped upon her by the prof, saying she was penalized for speaking out in favor of same-sex marriage, among other things.

The prof, meanwhile, stands by the grade, borne out of a score of “zero” she gave Sue for class participation. Prof said Sue often acted like a complete ass, shouting out repeatedly in class and even breaking out in tears on occasion.

Should Sue win her suit, and in a land where true justice is handed out as often as teenagers clean their rooms, she’s got a good shot, I’ll skip the Viagra that day. In fact, I’ll be that very conspicuous old white guy pogo-ing down the street, sans pogo stick.

Just think of it, retroactively I can gather so much moolah I can have Warren Buffet licking my Sketchers, after he chauffeurs me around town on my late-night champagne and hooker runs.

Let’s see, that “C” I got in Fiction Writing back in college, that was a complete travesty. I did all the required work. True, I didn’t read a single textbook before taking the final, but what difference does that make? I was made a victim by that professor, who had it in for me because I chose to play pinball at the local “Hoagie Heaven”  instead of attending his class.

You talk about being wronged, my case makes Rosa Parks look like a spoiled buttinski. Because I was denied the “A” I so richly deserved in that class, I was denied that interview at the “New York Times.” That, undoubtedly, contributed to my not being considered for that opening at “Newsweek” that prevented me from fulfilling my lifelong goal of covering those African tribes for “National Geographic.”

Hey, if I had been treated fairly, I could, as we speak, be checking out all the naked breasts imaginable, and make Scrooge McDuck’s bank account look like the savings of a schmuck working the midnight shift at Pizza Hut. If it wasn’t for that lackey pretender of a college professor, I could have been a contender – in Africa, up to my Nikon in uncovered female flesh.

I’ll bet that unfeeling scum is sipping his retirement margaritas somewhere, still chuckling at the misery he has put me through.

I want some retroactive justice. No, I demand it.

Of course, all of these delicious dreams mean nothing if the judicial system drops the ball and denies Sue her just desserts.

All I need is some typical American justice, and I’ll be playing the real-life version of “Monopoly,” complete with monocle, as I should be.

Finally, after all these years of being the sucker that was taught being a good, well-behaved citizen and working hard (well, most of the time) resulted in a comfortable and blissful life, I can join the ever growing list of half-speed, ne’er-do-wells who’ve made their fortune the American way – by suing somebody’s ass.

Megan Thode, you’re my freakin’ hero.

You go, girl.



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